Every time I sit down to write my first blog post I feel like I have nothing to write. I took a blogging course, watched about a thousand YouTube videos, asked my sister-in-law to do a blog photoshoot with me and most painful of all – chose a domain name. All to land me here. Sitting in front of my laptop feeling as though someone unzipped the back of my brain and every thought I have ever had just fell right out. And with it all of my hopes and dreams of becoming a blogger. Once I get back to my senses and send Sabatage Sally packing, I remember that I have lots to write. Actually, I have so much to write about that I don’t even know where to begin. My life has felt messy and complicated. There are so many weird and odd parts that don’t all jive together.
Life circumstances launched me into a deep healing journey I am not sure I was quite ready for a little over a year ago. It has been one of the hardest seasons of my life thus far and I can honestly say now that I am so grateful for it. As hard as it has been, I am finally beginning to understand and accept so many parts of myself in ways that I never thought would be possible. Most of my life I have felt anxious, neurotic and basically always on the verge of either an emotional meltdown or hysterical laughter. And I always thought I would feel this way. I thought it was normal to feel that way- to feel like my body and soul are tied up in knots. I have all of these emotions and experiences that I didn’t understand or know what to do with.
I was thinking I would start with where I am at today and work my way back. I used to take exams this way in college. I would always start with the last question and work my way to the beginning. I never understood why I did this until recently I think I figured it out. Aside from me just being straight up weird, I think it was me unknowingly calming my nervous system. By answering the last question first, I knew I had made it to the end and that thought allowed me to calmly focus on the rest of the exam. I have realized that applying this same concept to life is really what it means to live a life of faith. Jesus is the end all be all nervous system regulator.
If I had to choose one word that I aspire to embody it is hope. Without hope we really don’t have much. We have nothing to grasp when we are walking through really really hard times. Hope is the ultimate game changer. And it is available to everyone. It doesn’t matter if you are wealthy, poor, how much you weigh, what your IQ score is, who your parents or the mistakes you have made. Jesus is the hope our world so desperately needs. He is the Way, the Truth and the Light. I had to go through some trials of my own to come by my own faith honesty. And if I am sure of anything in life now it is this: if you put your hope in Jesus He will not let you down.
I am not perfect. I mess up. Life is really hard sometimes. But that is okay. Life is supposed to be hard. Understanding that has helped me so much. Stop trying to do things the easy way. There is no true growth when you avoid every hard thing in life. True success and satisfaction comes from really going for it. Trying hard, doing your best, failing and then getting back up. Every failure in life is a lesson and opportunity for growth. Once you grasp this, everything becomes less “catastrophically devastating”. This blog is essentially me sharing a lot of failures that have led me to a lot of truths and understandings about life that I feel like could really help others who are walking a similar path.